Sunday, October 20, 2013


The pain of missing you doesn't seem to go away. I don't will it to go away. I'm afraid that one day, I won't remember the way you look, the way I look up to you and dreaming about the day that I will surpass the greatness that you do. Some nights, I cry myself to sleep thinking of you. I'm sad knowing that the moment I wake up, I won't ever see you again. That everything is just a dream - how you chose to sleep at my bed cause knowing you, you're as much as afraid as I am of sleeping alone in bed, how loud you snore and how jealous I am that when you hit the pillows, you slept right away. How you annoy me and how you compete me with the best technology. You're always techie as I am. The how its been, the what ifs, the regrets. I never imagined the moments that I would remember, would be the last moments that I am sharing it with you. Those moments were not pleasant. You laid in bed at the ICU unit and me just looking outside through a glass, a glass so thick, a big wall between us, afraid to step inside the door thinking I would break and that I couldn't let you go. I couldn't help you stop the pain. I'm hopeless. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't look at the faces of the people around me, and all I could do is cry. That sucks because i'm good at crying. I couldn't take it anymore, I want to run. Run away as far as I can. I'm cold. I'm tired. Nothing is keeping me sane. My heart felt like it was pierced with a thousand shards of glass. Then it hit me, I was too selfish. I know you're tired as I am. You're as hurt as I am. You're in so much pain. You wanted to be free from the shocks that you receive every time you're on arrest, the medicines they put on your veins, the machine that kept you breathing. I know you want to let go. I couldn't put you through all of those over and over again. My heart broke once more, it was painful and I let go. Not completely but I let go.

I had the biggest change of my life. Right now, I'm taking one step at a time. It would have been easier if you were still here but I'm trying to stand on my two feet. I am not alone. I have my family, my friends and our God. I'm stronger now and will be more. I will dream big and make you proud. There will always be a hole in my heart but I know you'll always be looking out for me .. I'm sad but then I'm happy. I will always be your little girl. I want to remember the happy moments. I will remember you. I miss you. I love you daddy. I will be visiting you for the first time on all souls day. See you.

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“If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: We all want everything to be okay. We don't even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough.”
- David Levithan